How to disagree with someone while avoiding conflict

How often do you wish colleagues could disagree without being disagreeable – or worse, without tiptoeing around the real issues? In many organizations, the fear of conflict triggers two extremes: either heated arguments that damage relationships or a dangerous dance of avoidance where tough conversations are dodged and problems swept under the rug.

Both approaches come at a cost, stifling growth and stalling progress. It’s time to change the narrative – conflict doesn’t have to be negative. When handled well, it can be a powerful force for stronger teamwork, better decisions and real innovation.

The psychology of conflict

Let’s face it: most of us aren’t comfortable with conflict. We’re wired to keep the peace, especially at work, where harmony is valued. But avoiding conflict doesn’t make it go away; it pushes it underground, where it festers.

I’ve seen countless leadership teams avoid the tough conversations, fearing it will damage relationships or disrupt harmony. But they ignore the real cost – delayed decisions, missed opportunities and a lack of trust among team members.

Conflict isn’t the problem; it’s how we handle it. The best teams know that respectful disagreement isn’t just okay, it’s essential. Many of the tools and practices they rely on are at the heart of the Think One Team method, as described in the book of the same name. With these in your toolkit, you can transform something that might be destructive into something constructive.

The Think One Team book tells the story of a company stuck in a culture of silos, where leaders grapple with familiar challenges – high expectations, clashing egos and competing agendas. The turning point? Realizing that conflict isn’t the enemy – that it can be a strategic advantage.

Conflict isn’t just inevitable, it’s essential. It’s woven into the DNA of effective leadership teams and is one of the biggest drivers of better decisions, innovation and breakthroughs. Conflict is integral to leadership teamwork because it pushes boundaries and uncovers better solutions.

Take a bank, for instance. It thrives on the healthy tension between credit and sales. Manufacturing firms often see friction between maintenance and production, while IT functions are driving change and creating inevitable clashes across all sectors.

Rather than seeing these conflicts as threats, high-performing teams view them as opportunities to learn and get better. The key is not to shy away from disagreements but to embrace them as opportunities for collaboration.

A core practice from Think One Team is ‘Share the Reality’ – be open, honest and tackle the tough truths head-on. Equally important is ‘Share the Air’ – a commitment to ensuring every voice is heard, and respectful dialogue is the norm.

When leaders embrace and coach these habits, they create a culture where conflict doesn’t divide, it unites. Moving from tension to teamwork, they show that disagreement isn’t a barrier, it’s a spark that strengthens collective resolve.

Mastering the art of respectful disagreement

Respectful disagreement isn’t just about honing skills, it’s about cultivating an environment where it’s safe to speak up and where accountability is embraced, not sidestepped. As a leader, it’s your role to create this environment so that psychological safety and accountability work hand in hand.

When your team knows they won’t be judged for challenging ideas, they’re empowered to raise the bar, hold each other accountable and drive higher standards. Here’s how you can personally help your team turn conflict into collaboration:

Set the tone with psychological safety

Conflict can stir up strong emotions, but you set the tone. Create a safe space where discussions stay focused on the issue, not the person. Encourage your team to take a breath, pause if needed and approach disagreements with a problem-solving mindset. Be open about your own mistakes, invite feedback and model the behavior you want to see. Think about your voice tone – are you creating an atmosphere of trust or defensiveness?

Listen to understand, not to just reply

How often do you truly listen to understand? True listening – where you genuinely seek to understand, not just respond – is rare but powerful. As a leader, encourage your team to listen without interrupting, reflect on what’s being said and acknowledge different viewpoints before offering their own.

You’ll know this is working when, instead of defending their positions, your people say, ‘Tell me more’. This simple but powerful phrase shifts the tone from defense to curiosity, opening the door to deeper understanding and turning debates into productive dialogue.

Find the ‘why’ and embrace accountability

Don’t just tackle disagreements head-on, dig deeper to understand the ‘why’ behind each perspective. Approach conflict with curiosity, not defensiveness. Ask probing questions, play back what you’ve heard and demonstrate empathy.

It’s not about being right, it’s about finding the best solution. Hold yourself and others accountable for addressing the real issues and you’ll see your team’s ability to innovate and problem-solve soar.

These examples show the impact of fostering psychological safety while embracing accountability, embodying the principles of ‘Share the Reality’ and ‘Share the Air’:

Navigating digital change: Digital transformations often bring a clash between the urgency for speed and the need for engagement. In one university, leaders set the tone for psychological safety by insisting on co-creation, ensuring both sides were genuinely heard. The result? Teams found common ground, aligned on priorities and developed a unified approach that delivered faster and stronger outcomes. Could you set the same standard in your next transformation?

Sales verses finance: A human services organization faced tension between its service and finance teams, with conflict showing up as avoidance and siloed decision-making. The breakthrough came through two ‘Share the Reality’ conversations, which created a constructive space to bring underlying issues to the table. Regular debriefs after each budgeting cycle helped the teams understand each other’s pressures and align on shared goals. How often are you facilitating these tough but critical conversations?

If you want a better workplace, start by setting the tone, listening to understand and getting to the heart of disagreements. Respectful disagreement isn’t just a skill, it’s a culture shift that transforms conflict into opportunity.

Don’t wait for conflict to arise – now is the time to change your approach. The next time conflict emerges, don’t sidestep it. Use it to collaborate, learn and strengthen your team.