Confident leadership: Overcoming anxiousness and avoidance with proven pointers

A hint of anxiousness, doubt and a lack of confidence – while one may choose to ignore or deny these feelings, every leader, at some point, grapples with insecurity. If you claim to have never felt this way, you may be too insecure to admit it.

Our insecurities can get the better of us, and that’s completely normal. As humans, we are wired to focus on what goes wrong or what isn’t working. Thanks to our upbringing, social anxiety, traumas, less proud moments and our flaws and imperfections, the inner critic emerges, unexpectedly causing harm to our self-confidence.

In leadership, insecurity manifests in two distinct ways: anxiousness and avoidance.

Very anxious leaders – those of us who need to be in control, are more perfectionistic, hate making mistakes and/or disappointing people – may tend to become micro-managers, compelled by a strong need to stay consistently informed and involved in every aspect of their team members work lives and/or projects.

These leaders often pride themselves on being drivers, and they are in the best of ways, but their anxiety about what can go wrong and their generalized worry around ‘what is happening’ can have them be too demanding or unrealistic and overly critical of their staff’s performance.

Leaders who can feel inadequate, or like they are a ‘fraud’, do not like confrontation and get easily overwhelmed by stress and demands. They tend to lean toward avoidance.

These leaders step back, adopting a laissez-faire or hands-off approach. It is almost like a ‘free-range parenting’ version of leadership. They let people work somewhat independently. They seem distant and not too interested in everyday tasks and they don’t provide much guidance overall.

But when they do find a need (read: the pressure is on them to deliver on something), they come in hot. All of a sudden they want updates, details and deep dives – all of which cause a stir among their team members.

Their sporadic involvement makes the work environment rocky and hard to predict. Team members find it hard to be autonomous and exercise authority over their tasks, so decision-making slows down. And because staff find it hard to adapt to the leader’s occasional interventions they feel like they have to walk on eggshells, eroding trust and transparency.

Overcoming anxiousness and avoidance

Here are some ways you can mitigate your leadership insecurities. If you lean more anxious:

1. Create systems and processes to help you get the updates and communication you need to stay connected (and not worried).

2. Work on developing trust in your people. It is hard when you feel nervous and have, perhaps, even been let down or disappointed by others in the past. Start by:

• letting your people know you believe in them – a vote of confidence goes a long way;

• ask for other opinions and incorporate them into your action plans;

• give extra grace and understanding when someone makes a mistake.

3. Time feedback appropriately. Anxious people tend to want to express themselves on the spot. When you are a leader, this approach to giving feedback in the moment can make someone feel like you are ambushing them.

To ensure that your feedback is received effectively, give your staff member a heads up about the feedback you want to give and set up a dedicated time to have the discussion when you are calm and able to be present.

If you lead more avoidant:

1. Create and commit to regular one-on-one and check-in meetings with your team members. Don’t blow off these meetings, even if you think they are not necessary. Regular time with your team members will create consistency and help you maintain rapport with staff.

2. Learn how to have difficult conversations. Recoiling from having the ‘hard talks’ can get in the way of developing the people on your team, decreasing engagement and increasing turnover. If you are especially uncomfortable with difficult conversations, find a coach to help you cultivate the skills and confidence to address difficult issues.

3. Set clear expectations. Since avoidant leaders can be laissez-faire, it is important to set some specific ‘core’ expectations for your team. These expectations can run the gamut from performance to communication. As a rule of thumb, each person on your team should know the top three things you most care about and what they need to do to deliver on them.